I’m sorry we haven’t hung out lately. But I think we both know why. The trouble comes when we try to explain to people how we know each other. The word “ex” just doesn’t fit.

Referring to someone as your “ex” is like signing a fine print contract stating you failed at something. Sucked at it in fact, so much you decided to never do it again.

No one tells the rain, “I am drenched”.

It cannot help you.

If I told you I feel compelled to run, I mean it metaphorically and literally.

That is to say, I need to feel my limbs before they crash at you like malfunctioning windshield wipers.

No one taught me umbrellas right. No one gave me goulashes. I do puddle diving.

I practice treading water in costume and call it synchronized swimming.

To tell you I am depressed is insufficient. It covers too much ground.

You don’t own a boat.

It’s so obvious the words begin to mean nothing.

That is to say, its like pointing out that winter is often wet.

Never mind you have a hose. Never mind I am good at buckets. I know cracked pipes.

I speak leak-fixing and hope the patch includes me.

To tell you I am anxious still does not do. It radiates outward until the feeling is mutual.

Misery does not love this company.

I am not yawning because you bore me, this is my body turning off because it can’t breathe awake.

That is to say, it thinks I’m drowning so it’s beginning to shut down.

Note I am the one who knows CPR. Note you will watch as I try to resuscitate myself. I am high on low maintenance.

I am an expert at calming storm and praying you’ll learn life vest.

1.

2.  I have learned slowly “oly oly oxen free” is not a love song, it is a battle cry, and I am depleted of ammunition.

3. Call me a truce, and I’ll call you a thief. You wear your heart like a kick-me sign, angry you can’t find it at arm’s length. Insecurity flies off of your sleeves while I scramble about the floor for a pulse.

4. I didn’t kick you while you were down, that was CPR.

5. I am sorry for spitting bullets, you were my regrets stand in for a bulls-eye.

6. I know now I was shooting myself in the foot while aiming at what you and I are not.

Know that even though we have not been talking as much lately, I think of you often. I read your book, and admittedly hoped rather selfishly that I might find myself in it somewhere. I should know better than to think things might have changed. You’ve always been so blinded by those gorgeous northern lights.

I know what we have as women is hard to talk about openly. I know that no one would understand, and I’ve never wanted to hurt Todd, or put your family’s stability into question.

Do you remember those cross-country track days? Sweaty on the field, the way I’d catch you looking at me up out of the corner of your eye, hand on your beating chest, breathing hard and whispering poetry to me? You were a barracuda then too. We’d hold hands under the desk and the cheat notes on your palms would rub off on my sleeves. I’m wearing my heart there now Sarah, I hope you know that.

During the campaign I’d watch you on TV, cursing the anchors that’d hound you for every blunder. To me your just hometown Sarah Heath watching me play street hockey and inviting me to tea parties. They demonize you for your quick tongue, but I still want to kiss you full on the lips. Am I crazy for disagreeing with your opinions but still loving you for mouthing off?

I know it’s against your beliefs but you can’t convince me you don’t think of me Sarah. I have pictures of you half-naked in the summer time. Posing like a playmate, practicing at being eye candy. You always wanted to model, and even placed in that pageant, but in the end you were too much of a rogue to stand anyone telling you how to dress, how to walk, and what to say. Guess in the end you had to do all of that anyway huh?

Don’t you ever miss me? The sleepovers? The almost too close encounters that lasted for hours. I know you felt it to. We’d both pretend to be asleep and gravitate toward each other, but it was intentional Sarah. I know you felt my breath on the back of your neck. I could tell by the subtle way you’d exaggerate the curve of your spine so that it would fold into mine. Our PJ’s preventing us from really touching. Was I the only one who made you feel safe? Who keeps you safe now Sarah? Is that why you have so many guns?

I now we never exactly saw eye to eye but you used to always say, our means are different, but our ends are the same. You always looked so strong, and talked so big. I saw myself in you and ate up every word. But we didn’t end up together Sarah. In another life we might have been those girls banned from their own prom. We might have stood up for something bigger then all those elephants in the house combined. Know that I love you Sarah, always have, and I support you even when I should probably turn away.

PS. Just remember, the real difference between hockey moms and pit-bulls Sarah, is that pit-bulls don’t wear assigned uniforms, and they play for whatever team they like.

Sincerely,

America

Ps. I creepily checked my ex’s status on Facebook (Don’t judge me, you all do it!) later the week the film came out. It said, “Dear Prince of Persia Movie, please cast some persians next time, they are pretty and will make your film sexier.” —Its not exactly a bowl of dip tossed at the screen, but it did make me smile.

The Cover (Up) Letter

(aka A vagina monologue in drag, aka, the create your own story poem, aka “fill in the blank”)

Dear Mr. Fill in the Blank,

I am writing to enquire about the unique opportunity you posted.

My first experience with collateral damage was at 7. My God brother built a fort when he was supposed to be napping. I crushed him, and then the fort to avoid him getting into trouble.

I know  what your thinking, what does that have to do with your need for a fill in the blank?

But, if I may, it speaks to my experience with well exacted demolition. I know how to prioritize the needs of my superiors, while still employing precise amounts of self preservation.

You need a woman who can cut straight to the point. You don’t have time for fill in the blank .

And, don’t worry Sr., I can play with the big boys. When I was 5 years old my god mother told me not to sit criss-cross-apple-sauce because people could see my fill in the blank .

I always wear mini skirts now. How do you like them apples?

There wont be any hanky-panky from the crew on my watch. I’m a team player. I’m great at getting a group organized. I got ten drunk people into a tiny room once all with good planning and strategic use of my fill in the blank.

I am fantastic at short term fixes that allow me to focus on near impossible long term objectives.

I have fallen for several men with “work in progress” signs over their chest cavities. I am an expert on scafolding.

I am a perfectionist Sr. A self starter I’d say. I run a tight fill in the blank.

I’ve got an eye for simetry, I minored in superficial in college, and gained hands on experience with line and curve.

My first girlfriend posed for playboy on her third birthday. She let me touch her to see what objectivity felt like. I’m not sure I ever really satisfied her need for fill in the blank.

I hope your not put off if I’m forward, but I’d like to start for you next week. I’ve found if you don’t jump on things fast they tend to lose interest. Its not that I’m insecure or anxious, I’m just fill in the blank.

Time is money, I’m sure you’d agree.

My starting salary needs to be competitive. A man once won my dirty laundry on ebay for an $80 bid  and I wont take much less than that an hour.

In terms of contracts, I hate them, they are always asking you to fill in the blank.

Such a waste of my time.

I cant stand being held to anything binding.

I was once tied up for year on a site still under construction. I’d have been better off free lancing with my fill in the blank.

I understand if you have others to interview. Its only fair really, but do get back to me soon, as I have other lucrative offers of use for my fill in the blank.